TV Football Exposed

When you grow up in a football loving family, but you aren't a superfan, you find things about the game to keep you interested at those times when it just looks like there are a bunch of big guys pushing each other around. We've just wrapped up the college bowl season and we're right in the middle of the NFL playoffs. Sure I've seen some good games, but the gridiron action isn't what's catching my eye these days. Here are a few things I've noticed...

Cheerleaders
1. College cheerleaders (http://nbcsports.msnbc.com/id/23811730/) look a heck of a lot healthier than pro cheerleaders (http://www.nfl.com/photo/photo-gallery?chronicleId=09000d5d80c68c20).
2. Large breast implants are a must to get a spot on the pro squad. The pro cheerleaders are so busty, they don't dare attempt a pyramid. They'd all just fall to the front
3. It's okay for a college cheerleader to wear a ribbon in her hair to keep it out of her face while cheering. The NFL girls are obviously required to fling their hair so no ribbons allowed.

Commercials
1. Football fans obviously like tortilla chips, beer and trucks. Those are about the only things advertised during games.
2. Dodge spent all of the bailout money on TV advertising. I see at least 5 truck commercials during every game... and its the same spot with the tough guys in T-shirts letting you know what kind of tough guy they are... firemen, military, cowboys, contractors. I know some yard sale people who drive trucks. Why aren't they featured in the commercial?

Graphics
1. I love the Fox football robot (http://foxsportsrobot.com). He looks like the coolest Transformer ever! His dance moves get me every time. He was acting sad a few weeks ago. I was really concerned.
2. The blue line and yellow lines that let me know where the play starts and first down are the best special effects of my generation. They beat John Madden's white crayon by a mile!

Announcers
1. I know they get paid to talk non-stop, but when the guys start getting nostalgic about other games they've done it is VERY annoying. It's not about YOU, Mr. Announcer Guy, it's about the game. Talk about the history of the teams, not the last time you and Bill worked together at the blah-blah-blah game in 1986.
2. Will a woman ever make it from the sideline to the booth? If a woman is covering the game I can guarantee you that she's the one on the field asking lame questions or giving reports from the locker room. She is very easy to spot. She's the only woman on the sideline not wearing a cheerleading uniform and when she talks little puffs of vapor come from her mouth. Don't worry it's not bad breath. She's just cold.

Fans
There are three ways to get your face on TV.
1. Make a sign for your team that includes a network shout-out. It was much easier to do this before Fox got an NFL contract. It is always a stretch when fans try to use words with an "X" in them. Panthers fans have it easy. The coach's name is John Fox.
2. Wear a wild team-color wig and paint your face and/or entire body. If you can recruit a few friends and paint a different letter on each of your bodies, that's a real football money shot.
3. Be a hot chick. Random hot chicks in the stands always get camera time. I think they hire horny camera dudes whose only job is to troll the stadium for attractive female fans (as if the cheerleaders aren't enough).

Players
1. Ink rules. You don't have to have a lot of tattoos, but you at least have to have some barbed wire circling a bicep.
2. It used to be that all a sweaty guy needed to stay in the game was a wrist band, but now the ultra sweaty dudes are wearing bicep bands too. We don't want to know what's happening under those arms.
3. Back in the day there would be a single fan in the stands with a John 3:16 sign. Now a player can wear his faith on his face. What used to be a smudge of black stuff under the eye is now a place to write messages. Last night Florida's Time Tebow had "John" written under one eye and "3:16" under the other (http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/01/09/john-3-16-latest-bible-verse-to-be-featured-on-tim-tebow/). He's used other Bible verses in previous games. I'm sure the NCAA will ban faith face soon. There have already been complaints about it. But just as long as Tim and the other players aren't trying to vandalize YOUR face with Bible verses, let them keep their faith messages. It gives me something else to look at during the game.