Thursday, May 28, 2009

June is No Joke

The old saying goes, "what doesn't kill you will make you stronger." If I survive the month of June, I'm sure I'll be considered for the starring role in the highly anticipated "Wonder Woman" movie ( June is always the month that gets me. Why not December with all of the holiday mayhem? I shop all year in preparation for December. I know what to expect in December. June just seems to come along and smack me upside the head with a wet bra every year. Is it just me?

June wraps up our busy Spring ratings period at work. By the time the month is over I will have flown to New York for a one day trip to the Gracie Awards, made a fool of myself in the Matt and Ramona Weird Variety Show (, celebrated by mom's 69th birthday, attended my nephew's graduation and hosted a station yard sale... all done while attempting to keep my house spotless because its back on the market.

Don't think for a minute that June of 2010 will be any less hectic. June is no joke! It will find a way turn your schedule upside down. And don't you dare complain about it. Whining about November or December might get you some sympathy, but you just have to suck it up when June leaves you broke and exhausted. Why? The stuff that gets crammed into the month is really, really good stuff. You've got Father's Day (, weddings, recitals, anniversaries, graduations, summer vacations... it's just a matter of looking beyond all the details to fully embrace everything June represents. June celebrates love, accomplishments and recreation.

So if you're facing a hectic June, its probably because you've got a deliciously full plate. Bon Appetit!

Monday, May 25, 2009

NBA Ink Addiction

Once upon a time when the Chicago Bulls ruled the empire and the NBA forced its noble warriors of the hardwood to wear booty shorts into battle, only the rogue soldiers like Dennis Rodman sported multiple tattoos ( . Welcome to the 2009 playoffs... or shall we call it the basketball inkfest? I think there's a tattoo artist in the locker room, writing on the guys at the half!

Does getting drafted by the NBA make you susceptible to a body art addiction? Players just don't seem capable of stopping with one or two tatts ( Perhaps I need to start watching the games in hi def, because on my TV it doesn't look like anyone has particularly artistic or colorful body art. One guy looks like he went to a preschool art class and let the kids scribble on him.

I'm not anti-ink. I think Travis Barker and L'il Wayne are wishing the NBA would cool it with the ink. It's tough for the rockers, rappers and bikers to keep up ( I can understand plastic surgery addiction, exercise addiction, food addiction and video game addiction... but somebody is gonna have to explain the ink addiction to me.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Arm Issues

Please don't read this and think I'm not thankful for having arms. Arms are good. Having arms makes a lot of things possible, like hugging and wearing bracelets. But that doesn't mean I don't have arm issues and my arms issues are demanding respect.

Some folks may never understand. They are the totally secure, stand-in-the-mirror-nude-loving-every-inch-of-what-they-see types of people. They write poems about their butts, flash their boobs for beads and jog in sports bras and with matching panties. I don't have a problem with the body lovers, I just have a problem with their lack of respect for my issues.

I've been evening gown hunting for months (;jsessionid=a630796cec85b325813343f3f253073335b2?ID=276.) I want to feel at ease in the gown I choose to wear to New York for the Gracie Awards in June. The only way to do that is to wear something that keeps my issues in check. I need covered arms, flare at the hip (to make it look like I've got curvy hips and booty) and a color and fabric that doesn't resemble anything that might inspire some unfortunate comparison ( ). I love one dress because it makes me awesome cleavage, another because my arms are totally covered and a third because it when you see me from the back.... it's "Hello Kim Kardashian!"

My mom refuses to wear clingy dresses or skirts that emphasize her "knobs." I have a friend who wears 3/4 length sleeves year-round because of her arm issues. Another friend won't show her knees. You guessed it! My arm issues are not only hereditary they are re-enforced by my environment. So, I respect your issues if you don't like showing your toes or tummy. I won't encourage you to wear a thong to the beach or try to convince you to show your tipples at church if you promise not to try to make me show off my arms. Deal?

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Mother Doesn't Always Know Best

Mom doesn't always know best. I shared a story with "Today's Charlotte Woman" magazine about how I followed Wheezy's dating advice into trap that she set with my ex-husband But, the article about mom's advice doesn't tell the whole story. I have to admit that her wise words have brought me a long way. Common sense is her speciality and she doesn't have much patience for those who don't seem to have it or use it.

Just so you don't get the wrong idea, I want to tell you a little more about the woman who calls herself "America's Favorite Cougar."

1. Victims get no sympathy from her. What this former inner city teacher prefers to give victims is a lesson plan for revenge. I've been divorced since 2004 and I still fear for the safety of my Marine Corps ex-husband if she runs into him. The guys on the "Matt and Ramona Show" want her to star in a video called "The Legend of Cane Foo." She's the kind of senior citizen you see on Eyewitness news, beating the stinkin' stew out of a punk who tried to steal her purse.

2. She loves your kids enough to correct them. Wheezy isn't the kind of woman to talk about your parenting skills behind your back. It isn't an attempt to embarrass you. Wheezy just believes she was put on this earth to be a parent helper. Have you heard of the African proverb that says "it takes a village to raise a child?" Well, she's the villager telling your teen son to comb his hair and get a job. Folks in retail love her. She'll march you back to your momma if she catches you pulling clothes off the rack or opening packages. Don't worry if your kid doesn't understand English. About a year ago at the North Tryon Walmart, she told a kid in Spanish to stop pulling his sister's pants down. BTW, she'll be 69 this year so a "kid" to her is anyone under the age of 50.

3. Despite her musings about man hunting on the radio, she's a woman of faith who continues to encourage me to put God in everything I do. She was born a United Methodist and says she'll die a United Methodist, but over the years I've watched her incorporate the beliefs of other denominations and religions into her life. For Wheezy, the word "Christian" is a verb, not a noun.

4. She is a big believer in natural remedies. She has dozens of books about healing foods and will take the word of her acupuncturist over her neurosurgeon any day of the week. Her herbal concoctions have about a 70% success rate. I warned you that she's not right all the time! She once advised my aunt to cure a yeast infection with a tampon soaked in tea tree oil. My aunt said it "ate her behind up." The tampon incident mentally scarred me so I have to feel pretty lousy to let her come near me with her mortar and pestle.

5. She's my best friend. A little cantankerous at times, a lot uncooperative at other times, but unconditionally in my corner all the time. Thanks for helping me honor her, TCW magazine.

Happy Mother's Day, Wheezy. Keep growlin' and prowlin'!