Thursday, May 7, 2009

Mother Doesn't Always Know Best

Mom doesn't always know best. I shared a story with "Today's Charlotte Woman" magazine about how I followed Wheezy's dating advice into trap that she set with my ex-husband http://www.todayscharlottewoman.com/component/content/article/57-exclusive/261-mother-does-know-best-exclusive-content-may-2009-. But, the article about mom's advice doesn't tell the whole story. I have to admit that her wise words have brought me a long way. Common sense is her speciality and she doesn't have much patience for those who don't seem to have it or use it.

Just so you don't get the wrong idea, I want to tell you a little more about the woman who calls herself "America's Favorite Cougar."

1. Victims get no sympathy from her. What this former inner city teacher prefers to give victims is a lesson plan for revenge. I've been divorced since 2004 and I still fear for the safety of my Marine Corps ex-husband if she runs into him. The guys on the "Matt and Ramona Show" want her to star in a video called "The Legend of Cane Foo." She's the kind of senior citizen you see on Eyewitness news, beating the stinkin' stew out of a punk who tried to steal her purse.

2. She loves your kids enough to correct them. Wheezy isn't the kind of woman to talk about your parenting skills behind your back. It isn't an attempt to embarrass you. Wheezy just believes she was put on this earth to be a parent helper. Have you heard of the African proverb that says "it takes a village to raise a child?" Well, she's the villager telling your teen son to comb his hair and get a job. Folks in retail love her. She'll march you back to your momma if she catches you pulling clothes off the rack or opening packages. Don't worry if your kid doesn't understand English. About a year ago at the North Tryon Walmart, she told a kid in Spanish to stop pulling his sister's pants down. BTW, she'll be 69 this year so a "kid" to her is anyone under the age of 50.

3. Despite her musings about man hunting on the radio, she's a woman of faith who continues to encourage me to put God in everything I do. She was born a United Methodist and says she'll die a United Methodist, but over the years I've watched her incorporate the beliefs of other denominations and religions into her life. For Wheezy, the word "Christian" is a verb, not a noun.

4. She is a big believer in natural remedies. She has dozens of books about healing foods and will take the word of her acupuncturist over her neurosurgeon any day of the week. Her herbal concoctions have about a 70% success rate. I warned you that she's not right all the time! She once advised my aunt to cure a yeast infection with a tampon soaked in tea tree oil. My aunt said it "ate her behind up." The tampon incident mentally scarred me so I have to feel pretty lousy to let her come near me with her mortar and pestle.

5. She's my best friend. A little cantankerous at times, a lot uncooperative at other times, but unconditionally in my corner all the time. Thanks for helping me honor her, TCW magazine.

Happy Mother's Day, Wheezy. Keep growlin' and prowlin'!

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