Monday, June 29, 2009

The Granny Panty Proposal

I've been called a prude on the radio... by my own mother (! I've denied it. I thought a prude was someone who hated sex, but the dictionary definition is, "a person who makes an affected display of modesty and propriety, esp. in matters relating to sex."
So, perhaps Wheezy is right. After asking the question, "is it too old-fashioned to ask for a commitment before having sex" I decided that I should probably embrace the label.

My co-hosts Matt, Bandy and Doc ( all agreed that it was granny thinking to expect exclusivity before panties. But the majority of my friends who responded on Facebook backed me up:

Jennifer Nelson - I hope not, but maybe that is why I am still single!!!! Marv Placino - It makes for a romantic challenge! The goal should not be sex...the goal should be unconditional love.
Angela Eastland - Not at all. I waited until I got married and I feel like there's a higher level of trust. Julie Scott Rudisell - A committed, caring relationship never goes out of least in my book! Jibril Hough - Is is old fashioned to obey God? Marie Fletcher Walton - No. Page Braswell-Goodman - Not at all! You should read "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" ( and "Boy Meets Girl". Gives girls (of all ages) something to think about.

If it makes me a prude to believe that sex is far more intimate than holding hands in public then I'll proudly wear a T-shirt proclaiming my prudishness. If you aren't ready for a P.D.A. at an amusement park, then you aren't ready for a private parking of your you-know-what you-know-where. Anything that has the potential to pass along a deadly disease or produce another mouth to feed DEMANDS a commitment.

Nine out of ten women will tell you that surrendering the panties too soon is a mistake if you've got your eye on the commitment prize. Sure, times have changed, but my mom says the power of the panties remains the same. Imagine what could happen if every chick insisted on accountability. It may be old-fashioned but hip huggers, Converse sneakers and neon colors ( were considered out of style a few years ago. Now they're all the rage again. So, I propose that we all vow to teach every little girl to get granny with the panties.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Brutally Honest or Honestly Brutal

Curvy, chubby or chunky... some might think those terms are sugar coating for chicks with a little or a lot of extra candy coating, but those are descriptions I prefer. Some would rather use the word "fat," but most folks know that's generally whispered behind the back of a BBW (Big Beautiful Woman). Sure the tabloids will whip it out to describe Kelly Clarkson and Jessica ( when they've picked up a few pounds, but the word "fat" is almost always negative. It is reserved for playground taunts and verbal smack-downs. Ironically, the"f" word appeared in my inbox a few minutes after reading a study about chubby people living longer than skinny people (

Here's a copy of the message:
"I often hear you describe yourself as a big girl. You are not a big girl. You are a fat woman who eats poorly. Go to weight watchers and get control over your life and weight. Stop drinking margaritas they have about 800 calories. The most in any regular drink."

My diplomatic response was sent via company e-mail. Thanks to belief in a God who I try VERY hard to lean on when my tongue and typing fingers take on a venomous life of their own, I managed to send a reply during a commercial break:

"I've been a small girl and frankly being a big girl is more fun. The only not fun thing is reading an e-mail, that while I'm sure is well-intentioned, comes across as a bit rude. Thanks for listening."

Human Resources friendly? Sure! As satisfying as writing the kind of response that could have earned me a pink slip and a spot in the Poison Pen Letter Hall of Fame? NOOOOOOO!
You know those situations where somebody rubs you the wrong way and you think of the perfect comeback an hour AFTER your run-in? This is one of them. What do I wish I had said?

"Thanks for listening to the Matt and Thick Chick Show. I like calling myself that even more than 'Big Girl.'
Please don't worry about me. I don't eat poorly. I eat damn good! I just ate dinner. It was freakin' delicious.
Weight Watchers is a wonderful suggestion. I've done it and lost weight. I can also vouch for LA Weight Loss, Jenny Craig, Deal-a-Meal, SlimFast and a host of other diet programs I've picked up from books, magazines and friends.
Control over my weight and life? I've been the same damn size for the past 7 years and I've got enough control over my life to know its better to say, "thanks for listening" than to instruct someone to print out my reply and shove it in a dark, stinky place (get your mind out of the gutter, I'm referring to a trash can).
The difference between "Big Girl" and "Fat Woman" is the same as the difference between being brutally honestly and being honestly brutal. One term is used by a size 16 BBW who likes to have fun, the other is used by someone could stand to learn a thing or two about the use of kind speech. The Jesus in me is says that you probably mean well, so I won't hold a grudge. In fact, I'll happily school you on the art of diplomacy, if you treat me to a margarita."

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Yard Sale Success

Second Hand Sallies Unite! Yard sale season is in full swing! I've been going to yard sales my entire life. When I was a kid I could make a dollar last all day, buying books for a nickel and jewelry for a dime. Usually, the ladies would send me home with a stuffed animal for free!
These days I can work magic with a $20 on a good yard sale Saturday.

But the competition for bargains is stiff. If you don't know the rules you can't win the deals.
I used to hang with the Twisted Sisters yard sale crew. They would declare a winner after a Saturday of church rummage sales, yard sales and thrift store sweeps. I won a few times. My big victory was scoring a like-new Red coach bag. I got it for $2. The lady selling it just make me promise that I'd buy a 25cent lemonade from her kids at the end of the driveway. No problem. That brought my grand total to $2.25!

True yard sale divas can be secretive about their strategies. I told you the competition for deals is tough! But here are a few tips for yard sale success

1. Plan your route. Hit the big ones and the rich neighborhoods first! At the big ones like the Matt and Ramona Yard Sale this Saturday from 8:00 am until 11:00 am. (
you can hit a lot of sellers without wasting a lot of gas and time. Then cruise over to the rich neighborhoods. By the time you're done at our sale, the rich people who overpriced their stuff will be ready to make deals. The same holds true if you hit the nicer hoods first. By the time you get to our sale, you'll be able to find good stuff for next to nothing. I hit day 2 of a weekend yard sale in Pataskala, Ohio on Saturday. I helped my Aunt Nell collect stuff for her flea market booths ( She racked up!

2. Get some cash. Go to the A-T-M on Friday night. You shouldn't waste precious yard sale time getting money on Saturday morning. Leave your checkbook and credit cards at home. They are useless at garage sales. Make sure you have cash.

3. Be careful with baby gear, electronics and furniture. Yard sales are not a good place to buy car seats and safety helmets. If you're staring at a Wii for $15, it probably doesn't work. There is no return policy. You have to insist on a demonstration for electronics. If you're buying upholstered furniture, inspect it carefully. I bought a beautiful chair for $10 several years ago at the annual German Village yard sale in Columbus. The sickening smell of the pet wildebeest, that must've called that chair it's restroom, never did go away.

4. Never accept the marked price. But just because the seller doesn't budge doesn't mean you aren't getting a great deal. No one will pay 20 dollars for a coat at a yard sale, but a FUR coat might be worth it! Remember to negotiate fairly. My friend KPC practically spiked a throw pillow marked at $15. Know the true value of the item so you know when to pay and when to walk away.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Conveniently Green

I thought I was pretty committed to the green movement. On a scale of 1 to 10, I thought I was about a 7 on the eco-friendly charts. I recycle all the paper, plastic and aluminum my trash hauler will take. I re-use lots of stuff. Meals at my house aren't served on paper plates. I enjoy second-hand shopping at yard sales (;jsessionid=a630ce1caf7f2d1c47fd5b466541164a451f?ID=1607) and thrift stores. All of my unwanted clothing, electronics and housewares go to Goodwill, The Kidney Foundation or my church.

What has smacked me in the face is the realization of just how conveniently green I am. At my nephews graduation party plastic water bottles were tossed in with the regular trash. A friend of the family, who bleeds green, wanted help separating the recyclables. I took one look at the muck in the trash bags and felt a little queasy. Mary Helen would be driving right by a recycling center on her way home. She was willing to do so much. Me? I like my recycling projects to be a little less.... yucky.

Yesterday, I got to spend some time with my little cousins. The youngest, just 3 weeks old. His mom is a fan of cloth diapers. Yikes! My eco-friendliness has limits. Cloth diapers and re-usable sanitary napkins? Not unless I'm threatened with death or lifetime incarceration in a maximum security foreign prison!

Paper plates at cookouts, air conditioning, daily showering... sorry Mother Nature. While Julia Roberts is rumored to skip showers for days to conserve water ( I just can't do it. I'll try to balance my anti-green behavior by planting a tree, buying some eco-friendly dish soap and shopping with my new re-usable grocery bags ( Not much I admit, but its better than nothing. Right?

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Maxi Dress Wedgie

The maxi dress is a hit! Not since the invention of Capri's have we seen a summer fashion trend embraced by so many. The maxi dress was the queen of the Taste of Charlotte ( Festival goers from age 14 to 74 and from size 0 to 30 were wearing it. Flowing to the floor and kind to the tummies, rolls and thighs that bathing suits expose it can be dressed up or down. Some women wore it with heels, others flip flops. It looked good with spaghetti straps, strapless or topped with a shrug. There were bold prints and colorful solids.

Not only is it comfortable enough for a festival, but it's affordable and available just about everywhere. You can find one for under $25 at Ross Dress for Less or Dots ( You can go high end and get a dazzling maxi at your favorite boutique or department store (

You might think that this magical summer fashion trend could do no wrong. Oh, but ladies there are some problems. My embarrassing encounter with an unruly dog while wearing a strapless maxi made for great radio comedy( I give all the credit to my sturdy strapless bra for keeping me from being totally exposed. Jumping dogs and tugging kids can turn your maxi dress moment into an accidental strip tease.

The elegant length takes some getting used to. Stairs, curbs and exiting cars present opportunities for getting tripped up in the fabric. Falling and over-exposure can result from getting a foot caught in the hem.

The final and most unsightly maxi dress problem sneaks up from behind. The light jersey fabric finds it way between butt cheeks and stays there. Sometimes you feel it, sometimes you don't ( I apologize to the dozen-plus women with maxi dress wedgies I spotted at the Taste of Charlotte. I should've said something. Since I didn't, I offer this advice. Wear a slip and/or panties with lots of Lycra. The maxi dress and the thong are NOT FRIENDS.