Friday, February 26, 2010

Kitchen Mis-Hap Caught on Tape

After my last blog entry, I received an angry email from a listener named Donna

"if I hear you say you can't cook one more time I'll scream.  anyone who can
read can cook.  you say you spill food too!  what are you a 3 year old"

Nope, Donna, not 3, just clutzy and confused when you put pots and pans in
front of me.  Here's the video proof from my stint on the Charlotte Today TV
Show  click here for video

Thursday, February 25, 2010

The Anti-Chef

I guess some things, like food preparation, come as naturally as breathing to some folks.  Perhaps that's why so many people simply don't believe me when I say I can't cook.  If you take a heaping tablespoon of Ramona and add an oven, measuring cups and a knife, then you've got a recipe for disaster.

Co-hosting Charlotte Today has made it painfully clear that the kitchen will never be my domain.  Each day there has been a cooking segment.  On Wednesday when it was time to put the mac and cheese in the oven, I tried to shove it into the microwave.  Something always seems to go wrong when I'm in the kitchen so I'm perfectly happy letting someone else prepare the food while I assume clean-up duties.

There is a list of other things I'm positive I'll never master:
1.  shuffling cards
2.  yoga
3.  basic math (though I can easily figure out clearance rack percentages),
4.  singing harmony
5.  changing a poopy diaper (I've nearly vomited every single time I've tried)

Right now there is someone reading this list thinking that I just need more practice, or didn't have the right teacher... blah, blah, blah.   It's like when someone tells me that they hate pizza.  It sounds impossible to me, but if I expect them to respect my claims of being the anti-chef, then I've got to respect the fact that there are actually people like Matt Harris who get the "cha-cha-cha's" every time they set foot in a mall.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Charlotte Today is in for a Surprise

Anyone who knows me knows I have three basic fears... critters, cooking and vampires.  I'm worried that I'll be forced to face at least two of those fears while co-hosting Charlotte Today this week on WCNC.

I didn't ask many... okay any... questions when I received an e-mail from Colleen Odegaard asking me to hang out with her on her new show.  It sounded like fun, a new challenge.  It wasn't until I read about the show in the Charlotte Observer that I started to worry.  Larry Sprinkle's "Tail Waggers" segment would be a part of the show.  I'm totally cool with dogs.  I love my poodle, Henri.  He's even got his own profile on Dogbook (yes, I know Dogbook is corny and his name is pretentious).   The problem?  Cats!!!!!!!!!!!  Does Larry audition these cats or will we wind up with some gremlin with claws as long as Paris Hilton's extensions!?!?!  Either comedy or a 911 call will ensue.

The other issue is cooking.  I have limited success making toast.  I was hired about 10 years ago to do a cooking segment at a mall.  A chicken company was sending gymnast Mary Lou Retton around the country to teach people chicken recipes and they were pairing her with radio people.  The tour manager assured me all I had to do was introduce Mary Lou, smile and stir.  I stirred so hard that most of the chicken chunks tumbled out of the pan and started burning on the stove.

When  I told my mom about the Charlotte Today cooking segment.  She asked, "will you have to talk and cook at the same time?!?!"  Wheezy has already set her DVR.  She tells me she thinks I'll do just fine.  But I know she has set her DVR in hopes of recording something she can play for laughs at the family Christmas party.

I'm still looking forward to co-hosting.  It's a hoot to see Colleen shed the old anchor-tude and have some fun.   I'm just hoping that Larry tries to find a home for a dog this week and that the chefs lined up plan to make something like.... Koolaid.  And for the station now broadcasting the 2010 Winter Olympics, what can I bring to the table?
Well, there are those figure skating videos we did for the Matt and Ramona show....

Friday, February 19, 2010

Tiger Translater

Hello, I'm a Panty Lover. I love having sex with lots of women, really skanky women. Yeah, my wife is hot, but c'mon, she doesn't have the only panties in the world. I'm so rich and famous that it just rains panties in my world.

I'm sure my other rich and famous friends would agree. Most go their whole professional-athlete/man-ho careers without having panties blow up their face like this! Sure many have lost their first wives along the way, but this isn't news to you.  In fact, this is only news because I took some ambien and got lazy with my cell phone. Damn, I'm standing before you today, wishing I didn't have to.

Now I have to publicly talk about how tirelessly I'm kissing my wife's ass. I know my image is more valuable to you if Elin hangs around. I've been to counselling (her idea) and I'm going back to counselling (also her idea). Elin is watching me like a hawk! We're speaking, but she wants me to let you know, I'm NOT off the hook. Just because I wanted to get some action outside of my house doesn't mean I don't want a classy wife and cute kids at home.  I'm trying to play this marriage game as skillfully as I play golf, but it just ain't working right now.

On top of getting caught, my wife is worried about people knowing the location of my kids' school. Paparazzi, lay off! You are making this worse. I've had a lot of poo-nanny from lots of different women. I've got to do more than Bill Clinton and Kobe Bryant combined!!!!!

I'm going to work the charity angle, I promised my mom I'd get spiritual again. This is the best I can do. I hope its enough because I still wanna break records and make more money than Bill Gates while I'm doing it. I'm not taking any questions, because I wouldn't even be doing this much if I didn't absolutely have to.  That's why most of you media monkeys weren't even invited to my news conference.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


It's all an audition.  From the time you show up until you get the cue to perform.  I just don't think some folks understand that and its evident when you watch "American Idol."  Can you remember one top contender who yelled at or belittled their group-mates during Hollywood week?  Me either!

I expect Michael "Big Mike" Lynch and Didi "Bucket O' Tears" Benami to make it to Idol's big stage.  Todrick Hall, on the other hand, showed his nasty side during group auditions.  I'll be shocked if he makes the top 12.  Sure, drama keeps things interesting while the judges are narrowing the field, but I'm sure producers and tour managaers don't want an evil diva on hand to make life difficult. 

The same can be said for job interviews... from greeting the receptionist to sharing a hello with the security guard... you just never know who is watching.... and judging.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Olympic Stories

Figure skating is my fav winter Olympics event, but I enjoy hearing personal stories about the athletes even more than watching the competitions.  Overcoming injuries and personal tragedy, conquering fear...   I eat it up.   The sacrifices they make and the desire to win that motivates them to push their bodies to the limit... I yearn to understand it and figure out how to harness it.   What percentage is God given talent?  What percentage is proper coaching?  What percentage is sheer faith?   Any ideas?

Friday, February 12, 2010

Last Minute Lovers

Searching for last minute ideas to impress your valentine?  Here are a few practical ideas:

For the eco-friendly lover Bamboo Sheets, available at Walmart, feel soft and silky.  They are naturally antibacterial and Bamboo has the ability to insulate, which means that they can be used in both summer and winter. The sheets will actually help to keep you cool in the summer months and warm in the cold winter.

If a real strand of pearls isn't in the budget try Girls Dig Pearls, a lustrous lip gloss created using real crushed sea pearls.  You can find it at Beauty Brands.

Give the gift of relaxtion at Massage Envy.  This is a one-size-fits-all present and unlike some spas, their clinics are open 7 days a week and don't just cater to women.  Ask about the "tech neck" massage for a Valentine who spends hours hovering over a computer screen.  Massage Envy offers pre-natal treatments for moms-to-be and sports massages for your favorite weekend warrior.

Wine, dine and watch a movie at the same time at Ballantyne Village Theater.  Luxury seating is available and you'll like the wine list. 

and For a gift you can enjoy together, pick up a book, any book by Laura Corn.  "101 Sexy Dares" contains 50 sealed seductions for her and 50 for him, plus one for both of you.  It promises to bring fun back into a bedroom filled with boredom.  You can find it at Barnes & Noble.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Vajayjay Talk in Front of my Mom

I've been practicing my monologue for Saturday night's 2010 V-Day performance in Rock Hill.  This production of the Vagina Monologues benefits Safe Passage, a program that provides services for the victims and survivors of domestic violence.  Of course I want to do a good job, but I've been assigned a very troubled vajayjay.

This is my second time participating in a V-Day project.  The last time I did it I was assigned the angry vajayjay.  It was originally written for Whoopi Goldberg and it was sassy.  This time around I've been assigned one of the most controversial pieces.  Am I intimidated?  Heck yeah!  My mom will be in the audience.  While she loves to make me squirm by bringing up topics that NO ONE wants to hear their mom discuss, there are just some things that I feel very uncomfortable saying in front of her.  I haven't purchased her ticket yet.  I'm kinda hoping it sells out before then.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

The V-Day Cure

Pamper yourself in a bubble bath, avoid sappy love songs... there's plenty of advice for single girls about how to spend Valentine's Day.  We're told to focus on loving ourselves and to resist the urge to define ourselves by our relationship status on Facebook.  If you've spent multiple V-days without a partner, you've heard it all before. 

The best way to celebrate February 14th is to show love.  You don't have to confess your crush on the guy at the gym.  Do something for someone else to let them know you care.  Find a way to support a worthy cause.  This year over "love weekend" instead of complaining about the flowers and candy my fantasy Romeo won't be sending, I'll be spending time with friends, calling loved ones and even performing in a production of the Vagina Monologues in Rock Hill, SC. 

The cure for V-Day lonliness can be found anywhere people gather... churches, nursing homes, shelters.  At the very least, a single friend would appreciate a phone call.  Reach out!  The easiest way to feel love is to give it.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Bring Back Quiet Hour

When I've figured it all out I'll write a book to share the wisdom.  In the meantime, I'm stumbling my way through living with my mom.  We've been roommates since 2004.  Any adult who has tried living with another adult knows there are challenges... especially when the roles change. 

We get along fine most of the time.   I make mistakes and so does she (although only one of us admits it).  Sometimes I over-indulge her (which is why she isn't driving the little car I initially planned to buy for her).  Sometimes I get so busy I don't give her the attention she craves.  Sometimes I crave privacy (dating is VERY awkward).  Sometimes I get it right.  Other times, like tonight, she makes me feel like I've done her so very wrong. 

Most mornings I make breakfast for the two of us.   With the exception of a few nights each week, she makes our dinners.  Am I thankful?  Absolutely!  If I was single, the menu would be far simpler.  My problem?  The issues Wheezy has saved up for me to discuss at dinner.  Sick friends and family, medicare complaints, terrible stories she's heard from Nancy Grace, neighbors who curb their dogs in our yard, her health issues...  all within 5 minutes of getting home.  After a day of feeling like I sucked on the air, I was simply overwhelmed.  So after hearing the concerns about the credit card company, the poo-ing pugs and low blood sugar...  when she moved onto her IRA, I asked for a reprieve.  My request was met with "I'm alone all day"  and the most disappointed look a senior citizen can give. 

When I was growing up I remember thinking my mom was a monster for instituting quiet hour.  For about an hour after she got home from work she demanded silence.  I couldn't understand it at the time because I was just a kid who loved to talk.  Now?  Let's just say I had a guilt-ridden epiphany.