Tiger Translater

Hello, I'm a Panty Lover. I love having sex with lots of women, really skanky women. Yeah, my wife is hot, but c'mon, she doesn't have the only panties in the world. I'm so rich and famous that it just rains panties in my world.

I'm sure my other rich and famous friends would agree. Most go their whole professional-athlete/man-ho careers without having panties blow up their face like this! Sure many have lost their first wives along the way, but this isn't news to you.  In fact, this is only news because I took some ambien and got lazy with my cell phone. Damn, I'm standing before you today, wishing I didn't have to.

Now I have to publicly talk about how tirelessly I'm kissing my wife's ass. I know my image is more valuable to you if Elin hangs around. I've been to counselling (her idea) and I'm going back to counselling (also her idea). Elin is watching me like a hawk! We're speaking, but she wants me to let you know, I'm NOT off the hook. Just because I wanted to get some action outside of my house doesn't mean I don't want a classy wife and cute kids at home.  I'm trying to play this marriage game as skillfully as I play golf, but it just ain't working right now.

On top of getting caught, my wife is worried about people knowing the location of my kids' school. Paparazzi, lay off! You are making this worse. I've had a lot of poo-nanny from lots of different women. I've got to do more than Bill Clinton and Kobe Bryant combined!!!!!

I'm going to work the charity angle, I promised my mom I'd get spiritual again. This is the best I can do. I hope its enough because I still wanna break records and make more money than Bill Gates while I'm doing it. I'm not taking any questions, because I wouldn't even be doing this much if I didn't absolutely have to.  That's why most of you media monkeys weren't even invited to my news conference.