Tell Santa to Bring me a Man Mixer

The stores are all decked out for the holiday shopping season. The Christmas carols are playing. We're a little over two weeks away from Santa's arrival at a mall near you. Soon commercials featuring cars with giant bows, the latest Elmo and chia pets will fill the television airways. I get sucked in every year and I LOVE it!

It brings me joy to find the perfect gift for people I love, but sadly the only thing on my list just isn't for sale. I want a man mixer! I'm hoping that someone will invent it before its too late for Santa to have the elves build it. You just take DNA samples of guys you've dated, toss them into the man mixer and VOILA! Out comes Mr. Right! This thing will sell itself!

The infomercial will be hilarious. You won't be able to turn away from it. Can't you picture a girl on a romantic date with a hot guy? The check comes and he turns his pockets inside out because McDreamy can only afford McDonalds. In the next scene, a woman is gazing lovingly at a picture of her Fortune 500 boyfriend. Then we see her looking out the window and spotting him driving down the street with another chick in the passenger seat of his BMW convertible. How about an even funnier scene of a couple at a wedding reception? The woman's date dives under a table when he sees the groom tossing the garter in his direction.

We've all been there. You find a guy with some great qualities who has an even greater, giant-red-flag, unlovable flaw. He's a total genius who thinks God is dumb. He's really dedicated to his career, but his workaholic ways make you feel like you're single. He's the life of the party until he uses a floral arrangement as a urinal.

Well, so long Mr. Not-Quite-Right! Hello MAN MIXER! In just three easy steps you can creat a guy you can live with for the rest of your life...
1. collect saliva samples from men you've dated
2. type each sample man's good qualities into the man mixer
3. set it and forget it
Faster than you can say "sea monkey" a great guy grows in your man mixer. But wait there's more. They'll throw in a knife set if you order it for me right now!

Sorry girls, this is just a fantasy. There are no operators standing by. There will be no man mixer under your tree or mine. I guess I'll just have to settle for ch-ch-ch-Chia dude.