Once Jack Bauer figures out who is behind the attack on the White House on "24" I'm hoping he'll help me tackle America's other TV conspiracy. I need to get to the bottom of why the "Dancing with the Stars" judges hate David Alan Grier. The only contestant who scored lower was Steve O and he wasn't even well enough to compete live. The judges gave the "Jack Ass"star's dress rehearsal a 14. David Alan Grier earned a 17. That was enough to tie him with techie Steve Wozniak who did the slowest quick step I've ever seen. Steve kicked his feet at will and was in no way in time with the music.
Holly Madison could win a trophy for "most annoying nervous giggle" but no prizes for her quick step. She ran across the dance floor like someone yelled "free boob jobs!" The 18s bestowed upon Holly and Belinda Carlisle left me wondering who David had ticked off before the show. Belinda's moves, especially her stiff kicks, remind me of a less entertaining Cloris Leachman. Oddly, the former Go-Gos singer (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TiCwIPGkTy4) couldn't quite seem to close her legs while dancing and her routine had the worst ending ever. Her final pose was a hand stand. I can't get the sight of her smiling partner, Jonathon, peeking through her parted legs out of my head. AWKWARD!!!!
Even Lawrence Taylor, who seems to get more depressed with each performance, scored a 20. Country singer Chuck Wick and the most improved dancer of the night, rodeo star Ty Murray, earned 20s as well. I think L'il Kim is on the show too, but the woman they claim is her looks nothing like the short, raunchy chick who used to rap with the Notorious B.I.G. If that IS L'il Kim, then I think its obvious that Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon is still in business (http://www.topsocialite.com/the-15-worst-celebrity-plastic-surgery-disasters-you-will-ever-see/).
The shining stars of this season? Jilted bachelorette Melissa Rycroft and gymnast Shawn Johnson. Gilles Marini took his shirt off during the rehearsal shots. I think going topless was the move that catapulted him into first place with a 27. After all, judge Bruno has made it clear that watching ballroom dance is like porn for him.
Hmmmm.... I think I'm getting to the bottom of the Monday Night Conspiracy. Sex sells, right?. The judges even encouraged 17-year old Shawn to turn up the sex appeal. Sadly, they told her she could learn something by watching L'il Kim. Isn't that what we were hoping for from the Olympic medal winning sweetheart? Didn't we all tune in for this season of DWTS to see if L'il Shawn could learn to shake that thang like a felon who raps about her Lewinsky skills (http://www.lyricsmania.com/lyrics/lil_kim_lyrics_1834/)? Perhaps if David and Chuck perform in speedos, they might climb closer to the top of the leader board next week.
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